my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
