She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You're like the curious george of whores
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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