Dude my mom stole all your condoms
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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