If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
