yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
