someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
