Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
