His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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