I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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