Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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