At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
