It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
