Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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