You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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