Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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