My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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