remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
