I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
