and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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