i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
How naked do you want me to be?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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