im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
