So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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