You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Randomize