I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
