Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
