I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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