we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
