Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize