I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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