i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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