The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
