saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
