Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
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