Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
