I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
