drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
