singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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