an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
