So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
