I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
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