Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
