On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
