i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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