i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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