I cannot find my penis.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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