dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Randomize
