Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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