My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
P.S. I can't hear my feet
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
