she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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