Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
