i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
