i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
