i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
