we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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