her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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