Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Nicole vs. Life
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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