idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
