I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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