Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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